This past weekend my wife Morgan and I traveled to the great city of Decatur IL for DecaturFest... an annual celebration that (I feel) rivals only the Illinois State Fair as the single greatest annual attraction that the mediocre and nearly bankrupt state of Illinois has to offer! And when I say Illinois I mean that part of Illinois stretching 10 miles north and south of I-72. Something like 10 million people go to this event every year... and apparently about 9 million of them choose to show up at the exact same time I do. The event is highlited by several music stages and about 6,000 places to get tasty greasy overpriced high fat nutritionless items that some cultures call food. Don't get me wrong... I like deep-fried crap on a stick as much as the next guy.
There are also all kinds of side-shows and activities for both adults and kids and such. (Although I found the 3-year old grecko roman wrestling event to be just a little over the top... though little Jimmy "Butterfinger" Mcgee did make a strong showing... I still lost money on that one though.)
One little activity station... which my wife, friends and I nearly overlooked due to the eerie quietness involved... was what I would call the most astonishing, addicting, mesmerizing, competitive sport that perhaps has ever been invented... and no I'm not talking about Curling. Rather it was Outdoor Chess... jackpot! Picture this:
Half a dozen chess tables all lined up in a pretty little row. Six players/nerds/geeks/people smarter than me (but not as good looking) sitting on one side of the table. On the other side... an 8-year old boy... again probably smarter than me... but lets leave my wife's opinion out of this. Board-by-board he went down the line making moves against fellow (and much older) geeks... I shall call them Chessters. Surrounding them is a very attentive crowd numbered so high in numbers that I couldn't even count them... on one hand. What an intense experience it was to watch... tension building up with every move. My heart was pounding with exhileration as little Johnny laid the smack down on his apprarently dim-witted opponents... again still smarter than me. (Of course that heart-pounding could have been from the 6 lbs of lard that I'm sure was in the $350 worth of food that I had just eaten.) The extreme silence of the surrouding mass was overshadowed only by the sounds of others actually enjoying themselves. In my excitement and within the 6 seconds or so that I actually joined the gallery to watch (5 of those seconds I may have nodded off), I felt the need to just blurt out the loudest most obnoxious cheer that I'm pretty sure had ever been displayed at an outdoor chess event! And frankly, when I see a pawn take the king's rook so effortlessly as was done by little Johnny... I had no choice but to let out an exhuberant yell... it was a spectacular move. It nearly brough tears to my eyes... well again that could have been the lard.
So there it is... a perfect sport for the outdoors! Well maybe not exactly. But I have a suggestion for you... International Association of Chessters. Lets add some physical contact to this game! First player to either have his king taken or get hauled off bloody and unconscious to the emergency room, loses. Here it is though:
1. Take a players pawn -- flying finger flick to the face (say that 10 x in a row)
2. Take a rook - punch in the gut
3. Take a bishop - head butt
4. Take a knight - kick in the groin or hair pull for the ladies
5. Take a queen - jackslap
6. Check - eye gouge
7. Check Mate - flying ninja kick
Now who wouldn't want to see this! With these simple rules I can see this game evolve to heights greater than that of the WWE, UFC, arena bowling, and even (and maybe I'm going out on a limb here) professional chinese checkers... not that amateur crap. Vince McMahon I hope you're reading this... this is the future! The only question is: When will the first Full Contact Outdoor Arena Style Chess Match happen? I'll be there!
And that is the inNate truth!
There are also all kinds of side-shows and activities for both adults and kids and such. (Although I found the 3-year old grecko roman wrestling event to be just a little over the top... though little Jimmy "Butterfinger" Mcgee did make a strong showing... I still lost money on that one though.)
One little activity station... which my wife, friends and I nearly overlooked due to the eerie quietness involved... was what I would call the most astonishing, addicting, mesmerizing, competitive sport that perhaps has ever been invented... and no I'm not talking about Curling. Rather it was Outdoor Chess... jackpot! Picture this:
Half a dozen chess tables all lined up in a pretty little row. Six players/nerds/geeks/people smarter than me (but not as good looking) sitting on one side of the table. On the other side... an 8-year old boy... again probably smarter than me... but lets leave my wife's opinion out of this. Board-by-board he went down the line making moves against fellow (and much older) geeks... I shall call them Chessters. Surrounding them is a very attentive crowd numbered so high in numbers that I couldn't even count them... on one hand. What an intense experience it was to watch... tension building up with every move. My heart was pounding with exhileration as little Johnny laid the smack down on his apprarently dim-witted opponents... again still smarter than me. (Of course that heart-pounding could have been from the 6 lbs of lard that I'm sure was in the $350 worth of food that I had just eaten.) The extreme silence of the surrouding mass was overshadowed only by the sounds of others actually enjoying themselves. In my excitement and within the 6 seconds or so that I actually joined the gallery to watch (5 of those seconds I may have nodded off), I felt the need to just blurt out the loudest most obnoxious cheer that I'm pretty sure had ever been displayed at an outdoor chess event! And frankly, when I see a pawn take the king's rook so effortlessly as was done by little Johnny... I had no choice but to let out an exhuberant yell... it was a spectacular move. It nearly brough tears to my eyes... well again that could have been the lard.
So there it is... a perfect sport for the outdoors! Well maybe not exactly. But I have a suggestion for you... International Association of Chessters. Lets add some physical contact to this game! First player to either have his king taken or get hauled off bloody and unconscious to the emergency room, loses. Here it is though:
1. Take a players pawn -- flying finger flick to the face (say that 10 x in a row)
2. Take a rook - punch in the gut
3. Take a bishop - head butt
4. Take a knight - kick in the groin or hair pull for the ladies
5. Take a queen - jackslap
6. Check - eye gouge
7. Check Mate - flying ninja kick
Now who wouldn't want to see this! With these simple rules I can see this game evolve to heights greater than that of the WWE, UFC, arena bowling, and even (and maybe I'm going out on a limb here) professional chinese checkers... not that amateur crap. Vince McMahon I hope you're reading this... this is the future! The only question is: When will the first Full Contact Outdoor Arena Style Chess Match happen? I'll be there!
And that is the inNate truth!
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