Chicken Wings and Jimmy Legs (I ain't talking KFC)

About 14 months I go I was fortunate enough to marry the girl of my dreams... my soulmate... Morgan. (Honey I expect that statement is good for like... oh... lets say... 50,000 brownie points... keep that in mind as I know you'll be deducting them drastically at the conclusion of this blog... and yes I'm happy just to break even.) We had been together for about 2 years prior to that. So I knew she was the one... well at least since Anna Kournikova slapped that restraining order on me awhile back. (Don't worry though, ever since then when I go to see her play I just hang out in the winner's circle... a place I know I'm safe.) One of the great things about my marriage is that my wife and I rarely have arguments... which is truly a blessing. I've thunk upon this much and my detailed one-step accountantific (yes its another new word... webster take note) process has revealed three main reasons why we haven't fought much... listed in order or priority:

1. I am always right. (-10,000 brownie points)
2. She is always wrong. (-20,000 brownie points)
3. My wife is a sweet caring non-confrontational person (+5 brownie points... if I'm lucky)

Its taken me over 3 years to arrive at the above conclusion... okay so I'm a little slow sometimes... just ask my mother. (I got held back from kindergarten b/c I couldn't hold a pencil... rubish if you ask me... I just figured they'd teach me that in kindergarten.) Anyways, the first year of our marriage has been great! We get along so well and yet still respect each others space. Of course, my idea of space originally was separate houses after we got married... a notion that Morgan didn't care for very much. I tried to compromise with her and suggest separate bedrooms (which I thought was more than reasonable considering my 30+ years of bachelorhoodness). Is it a crime to like to stretch out at night for cryin out loud! Well my wife said no to that as well... I felt nearly as defeated as I did when she took away my man-cave... that will be another blog to come.

Anyways, it took some adjusting but after a few months of being married I got used to the idea. And, generally speaking, Morgan was pretty good about staying on her side of the bed (and by side I mean 30%... which I thought was pretty generous). Recently though, I've had some issues with our arrangement... or at least with her malicious breaking of our arrangement. Picture this:

I'm sleeping soundly one night. I do a 180 degree side turn from left to right... perfectly performed, had to have been at least a 9.5. My forehead collides with my wife's subconsiously yet angrily maneuvered chicken wing formation. For those of you that don't know what a chicken wing is... its very commonly used in the modern US... second only to the sprawl formation (which was my favorite before I got married). This is the when you put your hands behind your head while sleeping on your back. This maneuver, when combined with a queen size bed and a 240 lb (good-looking and well-built) man simply equals... hmm... whats the best word here... AMARGEDDON! I awoke with a pounding in my brain that can only compare to the feeling I get after being forced to watch 30 seconds of Dr. Phil. Holy geez it hurt! Of course, my wife played innocent and pretended NOT to wake up. I gave her a quick jimmy leg to the kidney ... but no reaction. This has happened on more than a few occasions as of late. And I can only explain this in thinking that my generally non-confrontational wife is letting her aggression build up and then subconsciously beating me at night... I have bruises to show for it... I swear. Morgan is a sleep-talker as well... and there have been occasions when I could hear her say the following (children under the age of 18 please read at your own risk):

• "Nathan if you don't put away the clean laundry I'm gonna lay the smack down"
• "Nathan if you don't mow the yard I'm gonna burn all of your Ohio State Buckeye shirts"
• "Nathan if you don't give me 20% more of the bed then I'm gonna push your butt off and take the sheets"

So ... here's my point. Just because we are not arguing doesn't mean that there isn't agression building up and being let out at odd times. I don't deserve it... I do my chores on a timely basis (-10,000 brownie points)... seriously. So men watch out for the "inadvertant" chicken wing or jimmy leg at night... I suspect it means a whole lot more than you might think! If only bedmakers would build a partition in the middle (and by middle I mean far left-center)... all of the pain could go away. Of course... as soon as that happens my wife will start sleep-walking, drag me out of bed in the middle of the night, and then smack me with a frying pan. Its just a lose-lose situation all around.

And honey... I'll plan on sleeping on the couch tonite... classic sprawl with half chicken wing formation in my future!

And that is the inNate truth.