Chicken Wings and Jimmy Legs (I ain't talking KFC)

About 14 months I go I was fortunate enough to marry the girl of my dreams... my soulmate... Morgan. (Honey I expect that statement is good for like... oh... lets say... 50,000 brownie points... keep that in mind as I know you'll be deducting them drastically at the conclusion of this blog... and yes I'm happy just to break even.) We had been together for about 2 years prior to that. So I knew she was the one... well at least since Anna Kournikova slapped that restraining order on me awhile back. (Don't worry though, ever since then when I go to see her play I just hang out in the winner's circle... a place I know I'm safe.) One of the great things about my marriage is that my wife and I rarely have arguments... which is truly a blessing. I've thunk upon this much and my detailed one-step accountantific (yes its another new word... webster take note) process has revealed three main reasons why we haven't fought much... listed in order or priority:

1. I am always right. (-10,000 brownie points)
2. She is always wrong. (-20,000 brownie points)
3. My wife is a sweet caring non-confrontational person (+5 brownie points... if I'm lucky)

Its taken me over 3 years to arrive at the above conclusion... okay so I'm a little slow sometimes... just ask my mother. (I got held back from kindergarten b/c I couldn't hold a pencil... rubish if you ask me... I just figured they'd teach me that in kindergarten.) Anyways, the first year of our marriage has been great! We get along so well and yet still respect each others space. Of course, my idea of space originally was separate houses after we got married... a notion that Morgan didn't care for very much. I tried to compromise with her and suggest separate bedrooms (which I thought was more than reasonable considering my 30+ years of bachelorhoodness). Is it a crime to like to stretch out at night for cryin out loud! Well my wife said no to that as well... I felt nearly as defeated as I did when she took away my man-cave... that will be another blog to come.

Anyways, it took some adjusting but after a few months of being married I got used to the idea. And, generally speaking, Morgan was pretty good about staying on her side of the bed (and by side I mean 30%... which I thought was pretty generous). Recently though, I've had some issues with our arrangement... or at least with her malicious breaking of our arrangement. Picture this:

I'm sleeping soundly one night. I do a 180 degree side turn from left to right... perfectly performed, had to have been at least a 9.5. My forehead collides with my wife's subconsiously yet angrily maneuvered chicken wing formation. For those of you that don't know what a chicken wing is... its very commonly used in the modern US... second only to the sprawl formation (which was my favorite before I got married). This is the when you put your hands behind your head while sleeping on your back. This maneuver, when combined with a queen size bed and a 240 lb (good-looking and well-built) man simply equals... hmm... whats the best word here... AMARGEDDON! I awoke with a pounding in my brain that can only compare to the feeling I get after being forced to watch 30 seconds of Dr. Phil. Holy geez it hurt! Of course, my wife played innocent and pretended NOT to wake up. I gave her a quick jimmy leg to the kidney ... but no reaction. This has happened on more than a few occasions as of late. And I can only explain this in thinking that my generally non-confrontational wife is letting her aggression build up and then subconsciously beating me at night... I have bruises to show for it... I swear. Morgan is a sleep-talker as well... and there have been occasions when I could hear her say the following (children under the age of 18 please read at your own risk):

• "Nathan if you don't put away the clean laundry I'm gonna lay the smack down"
• "Nathan if you don't mow the yard I'm gonna burn all of your Ohio State Buckeye shirts"
• "Nathan if you don't give me 20% more of the bed then I'm gonna push your butt off and take the sheets"

So ... here's my point. Just because we are not arguing doesn't mean that there isn't agression building up and being let out at odd times. I don't deserve it... I do my chores on a timely basis (-10,000 brownie points)... seriously. So men watch out for the "inadvertant" chicken wing or jimmy leg at night... I suspect it means a whole lot more than you might think! If only bedmakers would build a partition in the middle (and by middle I mean far left-center)... all of the pain could go away. Of course... as soon as that happens my wife will start sleep-walking, drag me out of bed in the middle of the night, and then smack me with a frying pan. Its just a lose-lose situation all around.

And honey... I'll plan on sleeping on the couch tonite... classic sprawl with half chicken wing formation in my future!

And that is the inNate truth.

Full Contact Outdoor Chess

This past weekend my wife Morgan and I traveled to the great city of Decatur IL for DecaturFest... an annual celebration that (I feel) rivals only the Illinois State Fair as the single greatest annual attraction that the mediocre and nearly bankrupt state of Illinois has to offer! And when I say Illinois I mean that part of Illinois stretching 10 miles north and south of I-72. Something like 10 million people go to this event every year... and apparently about 9 million of them choose to show up at the exact same time I do. The event is highlited by several music stages and about 6,000 places to get tasty greasy overpriced high fat nutritionless items that some cultures call food. Don't get me wrong... I like deep-fried crap on a stick as much as the next guy.

There are also all kinds of side-shows and activities for both adults and kids and such. (Although I found the 3-year old grecko roman wrestling event to be just a little over the top... though little Jimmy "Butterfinger" Mcgee did make a strong showing... I still lost money on that one though.)

One little activity station... which my wife, friends and I nearly overlooked due to the eerie quietness involved... was what I would call the most astonishing, addicting, mesmerizing, competitive sport that perhaps has ever been invented... and no I'm not talking about Curling. Rather it was Outdoor Chess... jackpot! Picture this:

Half a dozen chess tables all lined up in a pretty little row. Six players/nerds/geeks/people smarter than me (but not as good looking) sitting on one side of the table. On the other side... an 8-year old boy... again probably smarter than me... but lets leave my wife's opinion out of this. Board-by-board he went down the line making moves against fellow (and much older) geeks... I shall call them Chessters. Surrounding them is a very attentive crowd numbered so high in numbers that I couldn't even count them... on one hand. What an intense experience it was to watch... tension building up with every move. My heart was pounding with exhileration as little Johnny laid the smack down on his apprarently dim-witted opponents... again still smarter than me. (Of course that heart-pounding could have been from the 6 lbs of lard that I'm sure was in the $350 worth of food that I had just eaten.) The extreme silence of the surrouding mass was overshadowed only by the sounds of others actually enjoying themselves. In my excitement and within the 6 seconds or so that I actually joined the gallery to watch (5 of those seconds I may have nodded off), I felt the need to just blurt out the loudest most obnoxious cheer that I'm pretty sure had ever been displayed at an outdoor chess event! And frankly, when I see a pawn take the king's rook so effortlessly as was done by little Johnny... I had no choice but to let out an exhuberant yell... it was a spectacular move. It nearly brough tears to my eyes... well again that could have been the lard.

So there it is... a perfect sport for the outdoors! Well maybe not exactly. But I have a suggestion for you... International Association of Chessters. Lets add some physical contact to this game! First player to either have his king taken or get hauled off bloody and unconscious to the emergency room, loses. Here it is though:

1. Take a players pawn -- flying finger flick to the face (say that 10 x in a row)
2. Take a rook - punch in the gut
3. Take a bishop - head butt
4. Take a knight - kick in the groin or hair pull for the ladies
5. Take a queen - jackslap
6. Check - eye gouge
7. Check Mate - flying ninja kick

Now who wouldn't want to see this! With these simple rules I can see this game evolve to heights greater than that of the WWE, UFC, arena bowling, and even (and maybe I'm going out on a limb here) professional chinese checkers... not that amateur crap. Vince McMahon I hope you're reading this... this is the future! The only question is: When will the first Full Contact Outdoor Arena Style Chess Match happen? I'll be there!

And that is the inNate truth!

The Inauguration!

Okay... so here it is... my first blog. I am not entirely sure what I hope to accomplish from my rants and raves, or even the extent of my blog content, but I could find no better way to kick things off than with one of the funniest things I've seen in awhile.

The wife and I went to the fabulously cluttered store Hobby Lobby the other day. You know, that store that apparently considers anything and everything having to do with crap you don't need as relating to a "HOBBY". I still can't figure out why the following are hobbies:

1. Pillow-collecting

2. Stupid moronic phrase tin sign collecting

3. Useless imported crap collecting

4. Fake flower decorating

Now I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Women seem to love this store. And my diligent one-step scientific research seems to indicate why... they love to spend small amounts of money to purchase overwhelming amounts of clutter for your house...in other words if its cheap we need it. Again I could go on and on about this philosophy... and I probably will at some point... but enough for now.

Back to my original point... I think I still remember what it was. Oh yes... it was the surprise of my life to find out that, in midst of my 30 minute stroll thru hobby hell (which was 35 minutes longer than I wanted to be there), that you can purchase JUVENILE BOYS for just a small fee!

Wow! I'm not sure what surprises me more, the fact that juvenile boys are going for such a marginal fee, or the fact that this sign was placed near the back of the store! I mean... come on... a sale this big should be advertised at the very front... and I'm talking giant banner style across the fasad! And I don't even recall seeing this in the newspaper ad... whats up with that! Hobby Lobby, I might suggest your marketing department get their heads on straight. I don't know what the true demand is out there for Juvenile Boy Collecting... but if its anything like it is in Southeast Asia, then you're missing your market!

Okay I shall digress. As I think about this I should probably keep this rant on the low-down... that low everyday price on juvenile boys may not last for long... and I'm gonna beat you all to the punch and quickly stock up!

And that is as deep as it gets!